It’s Easy to Blame God.

It’s easy to blame God, but harder to fix things
We look in the sky like, “Why ain’t you listening?”

-NF Real, Oh Lord

Blogging is the one way I can truly work through thoughts and feelings, so bear with me on this one. It is jumbled without real order or thought process, but I have to work through what I heard this morning, and what thoughts it stirred up. The topic is covenants, another word for an agreement, promise or contract.

I am not a pastor, leader, teacher, spiritual guru, anyone with a degree or considerable knowledge on these subjects. I am just a broken girl with words and many, many thoughts.

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The day my heart was broken, my first instinct was to break the ceramic cross that hung in the entry way to my parents house.

My faith shattered, and all the hurt inside my heart turned into rage against God. I blamed Him, and with anger, grief, and sorrow, I shut Him out of my heart.

These thoughts circled endlessly: Why would you let this happen to me? I did things your way, I thought was following your plan for my life, why would you let this happen to me? I trusted in you and you failed me. I called Him cruel, unfair, and I let hate and rage fester in my heart.

Anyone who knew me growing up and into the first year of college, my faith in Jesus was a huge part of my identity. It shaped who I was, the choices I made, everything.

And then it was gone. I let it go rather than cling to it when I needed it most.

Even though this happened almost 2 years ago, the hurt still reverberates through my body like it was yesterday. I thought I had healed from it, and I even got re baptized last summer, but there was still a disconnect. After a year of trying to salvage our marriage, it finally came to an end last summer when we went our separate ways. Perhaps some things are too damaged to repair. I believe in my heart that it was the best decision for both of us.

What I heard this morning is what I really needed to hear for the last 2 years.
We feel shattered when promises and covenants we enter into with others are broken. We create trust, expectations, agreements, and then when one person stops honouring the covenant, the other person feels hurt by it. Traditionally, in biblical times, agreements and pacts were made with blood. Life was invested into these agreements. There was weight behind it. The symbolism is still there, and we put part of ourselves into each relationship we have. If you add Jesus into the equation, you are placing your covenant, your promises, in His blood. I believe that is why broken marriages hurt so much. The pact you make with your vows and bodies is both physical and spiritual, and you truly invest a piece yourself in it.

This morning I was reminded that God’s covenant with us is never broken. His promises remain, He is always faithful and true, He prevails, He is always there.
I do not know why one the day I was so hurt I decided to hate God, but when my heart broke, I felt like the trust I had placed in God had been shattered too.
And I didn’t realize the repercussions that action would have for so long. I threw the little cross out of the house, and it broke on our front walk. The action signified the turmoil my spirit was in. I felt alone, cheated, angry.

I couldn’t justify any reason for the hurt I had to go through. I still don’t know why I had to go through what I did, and the after effect still haunts me. I feel broken, bruised, afraid, I don’t trust, I do not connect, I hide in my hole. It was just easier to be angry at God.

I am not a pastor, leader, teacher, spiritual guru, anyone with a degree or considerable knowledge on these subjects. I am just a broken girl with words and many, many thoughts.

I must now embark on a journey to find my faith again. The trust that was shattered. I need to find it again, rediscover it, reclaim it. There is still anger in my heart that I will have to sort through and let go. It isn’t as simple as I wish it was, and it’ll be work. In order to heal from broken covenants, we have to reinvest in the One that will not break – the one made flesh.

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